Snark
by Thalia Kendall
Summary: Dedicated to my lovely betaeditor ChainedDove, this is a oneshot about Su Li of Ravenclaw and Cassius Warrington of Slytherin. In the snarky bantering, who gets the last word?


**Notes:** For Dove, because I love her so very much and she is the 133t beta editor of d00m!

**Disclaimer:** Warrington _should_ be mine. Really.

~*~ Snark ~*~

            "Dear Lord in Heaven, from detentions with Filch, pop quizzes in Potions, the stupidity of curfew-breakers and the smarminess of Slytherin Head Boys please deliver us," Ravenclaw 5th year Prefect Su Li muttered fervently to herself as she knotted her tie in front of the mirror that morning… like every other morning. Padma Patil, occupied in braiding her long hair at the girl's side, gave a light snort.

            "You know, I'd have thought that out of all of us, _you_ would be the one who most admired our esteemed Head Boy's evilness…" the Indian girl remarked, smirking very slightly, "Goodness, you seem to get along with him better than Malfoy does… and Malfoy is in the same house as he is."

            "Well, that's because Malfoy was on the receiving end of Warrington's scheming," Su replied matter-of-factly, "And moreover, Malfoy naturally likes to whine more than I do. Although… I suppose that if _I_ had been in his shoes… but then, I'm not. And quite glad of it. As for Cassius Warrington and his evilness… I _do_ admire his evilness with all my heart. It's his… erm… cockiness that irritates me? No… that's not quite it… or perhaps it's the fact that he can pull off a believable feral grin. I'm quite envious."

            Ravenclaws were, of course, inexorable overachievers. Being ousted by someone else in some skill was never a pleasant situation to contemplate. Especially if the 'someone else' was of another house. _Especially, especially_ if that house was Slytherin, for Slytherins always _knew_ it when they'd ousted someone. And made sure that everyone else knew it as well. And moreover, Slytherins had a natural, unfair advantage in this situation. Perfect feral grins, smirks and sneers were probably pre-requisites for getting into that house in the first place.

            Nevertheless, Su Li was a Ravenclaw overachiever, and the fact that Cassius Warrington, Slytherin Head Boy and Lord of the Snark extraordinaire, had a much better feral grin than she did… was mildly irritating.

            She wondered idly for a moment if he'd tell her the secret of how to do it if she asked nicely, then laughed at her own silly thoughts. Having knotted her tie and pinned on her Prefect's badge, she cheerily filed out of the washroom, then down the stairs.

            A moment later, Su, Padma and Mandy Brocklehurst were trooping out of the Common Room together, walking towards the Great Hall for breakfast. 

            "I wish that the next Hogsmeade visit was this weekend rather than next," Mandy was telling Padma, "It's Steven's birthday in eight days… and I've _no_ idea what to give him." Steven, being Steven Cornfoot, Mandy's rather whipped boyfriend. Su chuckled and rolled her eyes.

            "He's a _Ravenclaw_ boy… that shouldn't be too hard, should it?" she remarked, "Not to mention, you've known him since… age seven? Mandy… stop fretting so much. It doesn't become you. And… it could be worse."

            "How could it be worse?" Mandy wailed, "I want this to be _special_…"

            "You _could_ have a Slytherin boyfriend," Su answered immediately, "That would be much worse."

            "Yes… that _would_ be much worse," Mandy replied, her eyes wide, "But no… I _couldn't_ have a Slytherin boyfriend. That's… just…" the blonde girl gave a light shudder. Su smirked.

            "See? I told you…"

            "Slytherin boyfriends aren't _that_ bad, are they?" A mocking baritone voice reached their ears. Mandy and Padma's heads jerked up, their eyes wide, but Su merely gave a dramatic sigh before surveying the newcomer with her best smirk.

            The newcomer merely looked down upon her with roguish dark eyes and crossed his arms. "I'm so touched, Li… you're giving us dashing, devilishly handsome Slytherin blokes compliments and recommending us to your friends. _However_ shall I thank you for your kindness and generosity?"

            "By trying to be civil once in a while?" Su answered sweetly, "And perhaps working on the ego? Warrington, I was _not_ complimenting you. I said that a _Slytherin boyfriend_ would be much worse. And _you,_" she prodded him in the chest, "Are not of that group."

            "Ah well… but you wouldn't really know, would you?" Warrington cocked his head, his attention focused on Su. Mandy and Padma took the opportunity to slip past him, for their tolerance for smirking was rather less than Su's. Warrington gave a light shrug, hardly noticing the other two girls' departure. "You don't _have_ a Slytherin boyfriend. And yet, you compliment them. Very noble of you."

            "And _you_… have a rather twisted, skewed idea of what a compliment is," Su informed him.

            "Thank you," he beamed, "Merlin… you love me, you really love me!" 

            "Your faith in others is truly quite astonishing for a Slytherin," Su deadpanned. "I need to go to breakfast… shall we continue this fascinating conversation some other time?"

            "Of course," he grinned, "Then I shall be anxiously anticipating our next meeting, and the continuation of this fabulous discussion." Saying so, the much-taller Slytherin reached out a hand, managing to evade Su's flailing arms, and gave her a benevolent sort of pat on the head before brushing past her and sauntering into the Great Hall.

            "You… are evil," Su muttered to herself as she smoothed down her hair, "I will _not_ let you have the last word next time… arrrgh!"

*          *          *

            The day passed by relatively quickly and uneventfully, and Cassius Warrington, after finishing his Charms homework, lazily walked out of the Slytherin Common Room for Prefect rounds. Technically speaking, it was not his night for them, but the Slytherin Prefect usually scheduled for that night, Susannah Caligo, was in the Infirmary after a slight mishap in Herbology, and moreover… Warrington _really_ needed an excuse to get away from that tiresome little twit of a Tracey Davis. The latter, in the middle of that mysterious and horrible stage that girls called 'on rebound', had broken up with her boyfriend a month ago, and was looking quite eagerly for prospective victims.

            Reflecting that it was really rather silly of the rulemakers to deem such harmless and necessary things such as Muting Charms as malicious and against the rules to hit someone with, and wondering if he should go to the library sometime and look up how to alter a Muggle-Repellent Charm into a Tracey-Repellent Charm, Cassius Warrington rounded the corner, striding into the Great Hall.

            Two young Hufflepuffs were hurrying in from outside. Warrington raised an eyebrow, and stepped back further into the shadows. The two were both 4th years, a girl and a boy, and neither had noticed him. 

            "We need to get back to the Common Room," the girl hissed frantically, "It's _so_ late! There will be Prefects out on patrol soon…"

            "And what makes you think that there are no Prefects on patrol right now?" Warrington called out from his spot by the door to the Great Hall. The Hufflepuffs froze, the girl letting out a slightly terrified squeak. "What were you two doing out there?"

            "We… we were…"

            Warrington simply stared down at the two, one eyebrow raised. Both the students were mumbling incoherently to themselves and not meeting his eyes. He gave an exaggerated sigh, and spoke again with a smarmy grin.

            "Come on… you know that you can tell your friendly neighborhood Head Boy anything!"

            Dead silence, except for the shuffling of feet, greeted him.

            And then there was another voice, female. "Oh come off it, Warrington. Since when were you the 'friendly neighborhood Head Boy'?" Su Li, also on Prefect rounds, came striding down the hallway from the opposite direction.

            "Well, I don't care what you two were doing outside… but you know that it's past curfew," Su addressed the two Hufflepuffs, putting on an authoritative voice, "Return to your Common Rooms at once… and it's detention next time."

            The two loiterers scurried away. Warrington shook his head wryly at the younger girl. "And I was having _so_ much fun…" he said wistfully, staring after the Hufflepuffs' retreating backs.

            "Being the 'friendly neighborhood Head Boy'?" Su snerked, "You amuse me."

            "Thank you, thank you," he bowed dramatically. She rolled her eyes again.

            "How in the world did you get appointed Head Boy anyway?"

            "Well, speculations abounded that Snape had slipped Dumbledore some mind-altering potions," the Head Boy put on a thoughtful face as he walked alongside the younger girl, "But I somehow doubt it. After all, Dumbledore didn't mention anything about purple elephants and pink ogres when he informed me. Then there were the rumours that I shagged unpleasant people to get the position… but I plead not guilty to _that_ charge."

            "That's… splendid," Su wheezed, "But you're _not_ friendly. Stop being ridiculous."

            "I am _not_ being ridiculous," Cassius mock-pouted, "You expect so bloody much, woman…"

            "No, I don't," Su turned her head sideways to look at him, a sunny smile on her face, "I think that I'm being quite realistic here… and besides, you being _nice_ and _friendly_… that's honestly quite a scary thought."

            "And you're the one who told me that I should be civil just this morning," Warrington retorted, smirking. "Do make up your mind, Li."

            "I didn't say that you should be civil," she answered, her dark eyes wide. "I said that you could try to be. The attempt would be amusing, no doubt." _Bloody hell, he REMEMBERS these things?! Why? This means that_ I_ will have to as well… or he's going to get the best of me in a conversation…_

            "Ooh… kinky," he sniggered. She blinked and stopped, about a foot away from the door of the empty Transfiguration classroom.

"What?!"

            "Well… it's a logical conclusion, isn't it?" he grinned disarmingly at her, his eyes glinting, "You said that my attempting to be civil would provide you with amusement. Well, as you can probably guess, smart little Ravenclaw that you are, such an attempt would cause _me_ great pain. So, if my pain amuses you, then you are a sadist. Therefore… kinky."

            At this lovely, informative bit of Slytherin logic, Su spluttered, and, balling her tiny hand into a fist, hit him in the shoulder. "You… you're…!"

            Grabbing her wrist firmly yet gently and causing her to be pulled somewhat closer to him, he grinned boyishly, "Now, see… you're hitting me. And, as established a moment ago, you're a sadist. Oh, the conclusions that one can draw… but then, I know those things already."

            Su blinked. The last bit of Warrington insanity had just flown over her head… and he had not let go of her wrist. What, precisely, was he up to? Did she want to know? Was this healthy? Probably not… but… what was going on? The logical thing (and we must remember that Ravenclaws are very fond of logic) to do would be to leave… but Ravenclaws are also curious. And she was curious… drawn… she wanted to know what he was trying to say.

            "Hmm? What conclusions might those be?" she asked, looking up into his face.

            "Well, that you love me, of course," he replied, a smug smirk playing at the corners of his lips, "After all… you, little sadist, hit me… and then there were all the charming compliments this morning. Ah well… no complaints there." Saying so, he cupped her chin with his free hand, and dipped his head, pressing his lips to hers before she had a chance to protest.

            Somewhere deep in the recesses of Su Li's brain was a little voice shrieking, "_What the devil are you doing? Snogging Cassius bloody WARRINGTON of all people in the hallway during your PREFECT ROUNDS!"_ This little voice was generally the guiding force in her mind; any Ravenclaw's mind. The voice of reason. But… at the moment, the little voice was being drowned out in numerous other little voices all screaming a bunch of contradictory things, from exclamations of surprise to most disturbing gleeful shouts of _"Kiss him back! You KNOW you want to!"_

            He deepened the kiss slightly, skillfully parting her lips with his own, and somehow managing to pin her against the wall. The hand that had been holding her wrist moved to her waist, and the other hand held the back of her head, tilting her face to the best angle. And the gleeful shouts grew… and the other voices vanished.

            He broke away a few moments later, though still pinning her against the wall, and when she opened her eyes, he was smirking down at her. Somewhat dazed, she brought a hand slowly to her thoroughly kissed lips, and stared at him, incredulous. "You… you just _kissed_ me!"

            "Yes," he wore an _infuriatingly_ cheeky expression on his face, "And you kissed back."

            Su looked at him blankly, silently trying to piece together her thoughts, then heaved a sigh, "There's really nothing witty to say in response to that, I'm afraid. You're such a git… I wanted to have the last word."

            He lifted a hand to his forehead in a mock-tragic way, "This is _terrible_," he declared, "I just snogged you… and all you can think of… is having the last word? Something must be done…"

            Su found herself grinning despite her best efforts to keep a serious expression on her face. "Oh really… And what sort of heinous, evil thing are you plotting to do, then?" 

            "Li, you talk too much," he rolled his eyes, "As for heinous and evil… _well…"_ he smirked, moving a strand of her hair behind her ear, "As you seem to have no objection to heinous and evil things…" He trailed off, lips brushing against hers lightly.

            "Warrington, will you _please_ shut up?" she half-murmured, half-growled, before tugging on his green and silver tie and pulling his face down to hers. This time, it was she who initiated the kiss, and she allowed herself a smile against his mouth.

            She had gotten the last word.

~*~ Fin ~*~

*glomps Dove-chan*


End file.
